Zainab.Abdul.Ghani

RECENTLY, I was approached by a rather persistent salesperson — a non-stop pitch on at least 10 reasons why you should buy his product on the spot. I’m sure we all have been through this before.

But this time, I was quite interested in the product, but the non-stop sales pitch put me off. He kept highlighting the same details, oblivious to my strong resentment through my body language.


What he did succeed is make me feel small, ignorant and yes, stupid.


What he failed to understand is that all of us have our own priorities and problems that call for our attention. By creating a new need through pressure tactic, it will just cloud the potential customer’s mind with yet another problem.

A better strategy is to talk less and listen more. I will even go as far as to suggest that a good salesperson talks for 10 per cent and listen for 90 per cent of the time. I call this the 10-90 Rule. And it exists not only in selling, but also in other aspects of life, including parenting.


10 per cent talking, 90 per cent listening My favourite kind of salesperson talks for only 10 per cent and listen for 90 per cent of the time. I avoid the pushy ones who have already decided what’s good for me, without even “listening” to my needs or situation.


Try to do the same with our kids. If we keep telling them what to do without stopping to check how they feel, they will become defensive and withdrawn. Even if what we say is true, the bad feelings and personal ego will be major hindrances. By stopping to listen, we show that we care about them more than our needs and that we understand their situation and want to offer solutions that meet their needs. Only then will they be much more willing to buy our ideas and co-operate with us.

10 per cent nagging, 90 per cent loving My experience with the salesperson was akin to being nagged to. I didn’t like it and after a while my mind started to wander off. The same goes with interacting with our kids. It’s little wonder that kids “shut down” the moment they see a nag coming. They feel that they’re under attack and will automatically defend themselves. People nag because they need to get things off their chest. It’s their way of responding to what’s happening around them. Instead of solving anything, they just pass the stress on to another person. A better strategy is to stop talking, analyse the situation and accept the situation as it is. Try to change it if you can, otherwise just smile and move on. When the kids are home, avoid the urge to nag. Instead, lovingly remind them of their responsibilities, motivate them to do their work, and shower them with lots of praises if they carry out their responsibilities.


10 per cent instructing, 90 per cent empowering Creative thinking can be forged when we empower our kids to do things their way. Instead of churning out instruction after instruction, why not let them do it their way, as long as things get done? By empowering them, we trust in their ability to make decisions, treat them like intelligent people, and most importantly, train them for the real world.


You’ll be surprised at their ability to think creatively in finding solutions. In doing so, they will also learn and relearn from their mistakes. This empowerment will build their self-confidence, one task at a time. 10 per cent complaining, 90 per cent responding American football coach Lou Holtz once said: “Life is 10 per cent what happens to you, and 90 per cent how you respond to it.” We cannot control what happens around us, but we certainly can control how we react to them. Instead of complaining, “Why me?”, the energy is better spent to respond to the situation. Take the bull by its horns and bring it down. Instead of feeling like we’re victims of circumstances, find things to be grateful for and move on with life.

Train our kids to do the same. Teach them to be the leader of their lives and to respond positively to the challenges that come their way.


10 per cent frowning, 90 per cent smiling Don’t let the daily business of life bring us down. Unhappy parents are not good for families — they are the ones who nag, instruct and complain all the time.


Make a commitment to smile more than frown. Enjoy the family while they’re still around and need us. Even if you don’t like a situation or a person, smile and wave goodbye rather than let it spoil your day. After all, life is 10 per cent what happens to us, and 90 per cent how we respond to it.


The writer is a certified parental coach and best-selling author of Smart Parents, Brighter Kids. Log on to www.SmartParents.com.my or write to him at zaid@smartparents.com.my. Get his second book, Smart Parents, Richer Kids, at your nearest bookstore or order online.


Leaving kids at daycare Q: My two-year-old son is too attached to his mum, who has been breastfeeding him. My wife is planning to return to work and leave him with a caretaker. Should we stop the breastfeeding? What steps can we take to reduce the anxiety? A: Leaving our kids even for a short while can be an anxious affair. But this is a reality of life and soon we will need to trust our kids with someone else. I won’t recommend stopping the breastfeeding abruptly because this will add stress to the child. Rather, you can preempt him on the possibility and slowly wean him from it (after consulting your doctor). As for choosing the caretaker, get him involved in the process. If it’s a daycare, get him to like the place and the people by bringing him there. Arrange for an “orientation week” where he can be left there, but you or your wife must be available at any time. In most cases, it’s the parents who are more anxious. If the process is done right, they will find their children playing happily with the new caretaker and friends.